My Heart Has Been Shattered

 I am still processing the death of my daughter.  She wouldn’t want me to refer to me as her daughter when she was alive, but now she won’t mind.  I have always considered the death pf a child a terrible, terrible event for a parent.  But that was an intellectual knowledge.  I never even considered what it must feel like to have my heart shattered.  That is the image in my mind, my heart broken into thousands of ragged shards.  When I think of Hannah the first image that floods my mind is her lifeless body on the floor of her room, face down, arms at her sides, cold to the touch, unmoving, unresponsive, unoccupied. 

It’s common practice to refer to the death of a 29 year old as untimely.  I can’t look at Hannah’s transition in that light.  In the past year she told me more times than I can count that she never thought she would be alive this long.  She lamented that she was way behind in figuring out how to live.  Hannah had schizoaffective disorder.  She heard voices that told her terrible things and made her life unbearable.  She was never comfortable in a physical body and often had pains and discomforts.  She only lived to help others, and because she knew she was greatly loved.  We thought the suicide attempts were at an end.  As difficult as life was for Hannah she knew that if she harmed herself, she would be harming many, many others in the process.  Sometime on the 15^th, or early on the 16^th, the pain was too much.

I am writing about this because I need to process it in my own mind.  I am writing about it because I feel it should be documented from my viewpoint.  This is only my view.  Everyone who knew Hannah will see things differently.  I can’t think of that.  All I can do is try to heal myself, my very broken self. 

I was told recently that I need to focus on healing myself.  This was before Hannah’s departure.  There are traumas in my distant past that have shaped me.  I was advised strongly to stop trying to save others and address my own traumas.  It was that advice that helped fuel an argument with Hannah 5 days before this terrible event.  I am now searching to forgive myself because I feels like the proximate cause of her departure.  There were other factors.  About a month ago she stopped taking her meds for 4 days in a row.  So, she was still adjusting to being back on meds.  Ultimately life was unbearable for her, just life in general.  I know if she had been saved at the last moment and awoke in a hospital bed she would not have been grateful.  I know this because she told me as much.  Now finally, after far too many years Hannah is at peace.  She is resting, healing.  But my hears still bleeds uncontrollably. 

I was told I needed to focus on myself. But I am now doing my best to be the strong one for several people.  In between bots of deep grief.  At the same time I have suspected my immediate friends and family are worried for me.  It seems I am not to be left alone.  That is how it feels at any rate.  I am humbled by all the love and concern for me.  I also know I need some time alone.  Time to write.  Time to grieve, to let the pain and loss wash over me.  I feel like I’ve been poisoned and there is no antidote.  All I can do is allow the poison to run its course.  I will live through it, but it’s not going to be pleasant. 

 

 Symptoms: Schizoaffective disorder

Symptoms include:

• Bizarre delusions
• Hallucinations (visual and/or auditory)
• Thought insertion
• Thought broadcast
• Thought withdrawal
• Depression
• Mania: sudden increase in energy
• Problems with communication
• Odd behavior
• Disorganized thinking
• Inability to correctly perform routine daily activities

 

Causes

• The exact root cause is unknown. Several factors contribute to the condition:
• Genetic predisposition: an increased tendency to develop the condition may be inherited
• Brain chemistry changes
• The risk factors include:
• Having family history of close relative with schizoaffective disorder, schizophrenia or bipolar disorder
• Psychoactive drugs are linked to the development of schizoaffective disorder
• Stressful events such as death, divorce can trigger the symptoms

 

Prevention

There is no assured way to prevent schizoaffective disorder

• Control stressful events
• Boost self-esteem
• Get early treatment to prevent relapses and need for hospitalization
• avoid consumption of psychotropic substances

 

Complications

Uncontrolled for prolonged period may lead to complications such as:

• Increased risk of suicidal attempts
• Social isolation
• Anxiety disorders
• Family and interpersonal issues
• Developing alcohol and other substance abuse issue