This Sucks More Than Anything Has Ever Sucked Before

 

Yesterday was one of the hard days.  Days are fuzzy now, dates as well.  I am never sure if a day is going to be OK or not when I get up.  Yesterday was a bad one.  It wasn’t until I went to set my watch today that I realized yesterday was the 16^th.  Hannah passed away last month on the 16^th.  Ouch. 

I greatly appreciate all the people who have, and continue to reach out to offer support.  But, I am not trying to answer the phone much, or respond immediately to the texts and e-mails.  I find that when I talk to people about my grief, or about Hannah’s life, it is very painful.  I end up either deeply sad or emotionally hungover.  Everyone handles such things differently.  Some folks need to be around others, for both support and distraction.  I’m a bit different.  I need quite a bit of time alone to process this terrible event.  My weekly snow hikes help to keep me centered and grounded.  They are a distraction I suppose.  Hiking in deep, steep snow requires being in the moment. 

The dreams are not as frequent as they were last month.  I can’t call them nightmares, but they are not far form that.  I dream of situations I can’t resolve.  Having to be someplace, and being unable to get there.  The irrational thoughts about my other children are still an issue.  I’ll wake late at night, close to panic, fearing one of my other children is lying dead someplace.  Knowing it isn’t true doesn’t reduce the anxiety much. 

Among all this processing, life continues unabated.  I still have taxes to file, vehicles to register, a memorial to plan.  My sister is taking our mom to the ER as I write this.  She fell in the kitchen and has a nasty knot on her forehead.  She fell in the past due to mini-strokes.  I worry that this may be another episode.  Our mom’s health has been declining for several years now: the mini-strokes, dementia, COPD.   I’ve had time to consider that I need to write a eulogy for her, while things are still OK, while I am still clear headed.  It never occurred to me I’d have to write a eulogy for dear Hannah.  I honestly don’t know if I can.  I can barely muddle through helping to plan her memorial. 

2022 is shaping up to be quite a challenging year.  But life never stops to allow you to grab a breath.  So it goes.